Rose Tinted Glasses

I don't like the look of them!

Definition:

rose-tinted glasses (British, American & Australian, British)

if someone looks at something through rose-tinted glasses, they see only the pleasant parts of it. She has always looked at life through rose-tinted glasses.

Maybe that's where I'm at right now, or where I was until reality gave me a slight kick up the arse. It's all a bit disturbing. It involves a guy, not a client but an instant attraction sort of thing. Non sexual love. Think I had them glasses on until my Escort work brought the reality of trying to conduct anything normal regarding a relationship and it's implications into focus. Not that he would be living of my immoral earnings (don't like the sound of that either). Aren't escorts allowed relationships, why is it a taboo a "no no?". I know ladies that are happily married or in loving relationships but I guess I've never looked at things closely. Living in my happy floozie bubble.

I'm honestly not that brave with relationships, got a history of unfaithfulness. Or complete loyalty betrayed. Can't be arsed, nothing complicated which most inevitably does end up complex. I like my white linen bed sheets all to myself thank you very fucking much.

I feel it's all or nothing. No in between. Why be unfaithful for free? I'd be back Escorting wouldn't I? It is wonderful I've found someone I have no interest in charging a fee to. He laughed at that when we met for a date and stated he wasn't offering money.

I kinda get the feeling I'm looking for answers (just thinking out loud bear with me dear readers). Answers I never seem to find on the whole "love thing".

Do you only realise what you had when its gone? I dislike "What if's"

Ok there's lots of what I dislike, what about things I like? I like that feeling I get its a warm tingly feeling...no not an orgasm. There's two sides to it. That warm sensation but also the flipside where I can feel complete loss and pining. I'm going to openly contradict myself it's a SHIT SHIT SHIT feeling don't try this a home folks lol. How confused am I right now!

I'm leaving myself open aren't I? This is a rare moment for me. I guess it's biting the bullet and taking a monumental risk. If I fuck up I've done this in an undignified manner and that's quite seductive the whole shameful indignant way of being that draws me to "the other side". The other side being civvy street. When have I needed to compromise I'm use to my cake and eating it! Do I go for the impossible as I can set myself up for that, or push guys away and make me impossible.

I've got this genuine need to know and don't want to have a "what if" around for me in this life. It's an adventure! Sometimes a quest that leads into a dark forest of not knowing the road, no map or route planner. Just want this fog to clear so I'm on solid ground.

I'll keep you all posted.